Lately, behavioral addiction has been in the forefront of the psychology world, and with good reason. Behavioral addiction covers a wide range of behaviors that can be devastating to marriages and to other relationships. When this occurs, otherwise functional people find themselves repeatedly engaging in unsafe behaviors to their own detriment. Oftentimes, they seem to be fully aware of the consequences, yet continue to return to the same old behavior patterns.
Much progress has been made in the field, and those seeking help have research-based and proven tools at their disposal to help them navigate out of their predicament. Much of the time, treatment is successful in completely breaking the addictive cycle. But what about their family members? What can they do to not only avoid hurting the recovery process, but to help it along?
The first thing family members should know is that, while they are not to blame, their very normal reactions might inadvertently be contributing to the dynamics of the problem. Without going into the technical details of operant conditioning and the mechanics of behavioral reinforcement, what you need to know is this: If it feels good, a person will come back. If it hurts, they will stay far away. So ask yourself this question: How does my spouse/child/co-worker feel after talking to me? Examine yourself. You may be a happy person, full of love and good cheer. But do you find yourself becoming frustrated with your addict, seeing the negative and commenting on his or her shortcomings and past (or current) mistakes? Does your frustration lead you to express your displeasure – if not disgust – at the way that he or she has been acting?
If so, you may unwittingly be strengthening the bond that draws and keeps your loved one “acting out.” While certainly not to blame for your frustration and pain, in some primitive way, your yelling, confrontation, and negative feelings make it unpleasant to be around. Contrast this with the instant gratification and pleasure that he feels walking into a casino or sitting down to eat a chocolate cake, or the powerful feeling a teenager has expressing her defiance and rage. How likely are they to trade the easy score for a world of pain?
The good news is that here is where you have control and can make a big difference! Once the addict is in competent treatment, you can take a deep breath and relax. Try to act as a positive reinforcement and engender good feelings to draw the individual away from the negative behavior and closer to you. Here are some tips to help you in this challenging task:
- Don’t study his progress. Your loved one is going to be making mistakes as he/she proceeds toward recovery. Micromanaging the process can create unnecessary tension and conflict. Leave it up to the therapist. It may be hard to relinquish control because you have been hurt in the past and have lost your trust, but the best advice is to collaborate with the therapist and address problems and concerns through him. An experienced clinician will be willing to hear you out and work with you alongside the client.
- Focus on yourself. Try to make sure that your personal needs are being met. You may choose to attend support groups or get a therapist of your own. Once settled, focus on your messages to others to keep them constructive. At the very least, try to balance negative statements with positive ones. Get back to the happy, encouraging, and upbeat person that you truly are.
- Never underestimate the power of a smile. Smiling at people when greeting them, saying goodbye, or during a conversation can have a powerful effect on their feelings towards you. Even if not natural, put that smile out there – you will feel better, too!
- Remember: People are not one-dimensional. You may look at this person as someone different than the person you used to know and love. When confronted with a spouse or child’s destructive behavior, you may be tempted to think in absolutes: “I am done with them,” “This is evil,” “Never to be trusted,” or “There is no good left.” These thoughts are to be expected, but they are simply not true! All the things you once knew and loved about your family member are still there; you merely got to know a little more about their struggles. Nobody is perfect. With strength and understanding, you can be part of the solution.
You will be happy you did.
Dr. Siegel is a licensed psychologist specializing in addiction and other self- defeating behaviors. He practices in Brooklyn, N.Y. and in Lakewood, N.J. He has held positions in Federal and State institutions, providing clinical services and psychological assessments. For 6 years, Dr. Siegel served as clinical coordinator for an addiction center where, in addition to treating patients, he supervised and trained clinical staff. Dr. Siegel can be reached at 732-806-1513 or www.siegelpsychological.com