It's a shidduch. Plain and simple. And you got to do your research before walking into it. Or, before walking out of it. Therapist and client. And sometimes you have to be your own matchmaker.
I reached out to my Nefesh listserv and asked 700 hundred therapists from around the United States, Canada and Israel to comment on what they think is important for a client to know about her therapist before committing to therapy. Even after they have already begun.
And this is what they have said.
“One of the challenges of going to therapy is that many clients want someone who understands their culture. If I am chassidish, I feel a chassidish therapist will understand me best. But on the flip side, do I need to meet my therapist in shul?”
Tough decision.
If the therapists does not have a good understanding of her client's culture, the client will not process critical issues. If the therapist is too closely identified with the client's social circle, the client is feeling exposed, again hesitant to bring up certain issues, . When faced with this dilemma and considering whether or not to meet with a particular therapist whether within or without your community, two questions can guide you.
If I tell her everything will she understand where I am coming from?
Can I tell her everything that is going on without holding back?
If the answer is no, then that therapist is not for you. Unfortunately, it may take some sessions to find out the answer to that questions. Because there is no wrong or right answer. It is highly individualized.
You have to find a therapist whose orientation (talk therapy, EMDR, or CBT for example) is the same as what you are looking for and agree on collaborative goals. For example, if the client wants development of coping skills, and the therapist insists on exploring early childhood this may lead to a rupture in the relationship.
A client should be on the lookout for a therapist whose ego precedes them.
Ask hard questions like, “Are you in supervision? With whom?” or, “How often do you go to trainings?” Or, “What license do you have?”
A therapist who does not do enough training, is not in supervision, and is in private practice without the proper license to do so no matter how religious or highly recommended the particular therapist comes is a therapist that is acting unethically, even if not illegally.
When a therapist is licensed, and there is inappropriate behavior, you can report him to his licensing board. Without a license, there is nobody to hear you.
Sometimes a client will meet a therapist, after all this research, and feel some negative feelings. Other therapists may disagree with me, but usually there is a honeymoon period of therapy. In which the client is so happy to have found this therapist. It doesn't last long, but it should be present at least in the first session or two or three. If you meet a therapist and get bad vibes the first time, leave! That therapist may be wonderful but not for you!
But if, after the honeymoon is over, those negative feelings come, it's important to know that is normal. Therapy causes discomfort. In fact, if the therapist never challenges the client's comfort zone, client may "feel" happier, but it's probably not effective therapy.
It's how a therapist is able to manage the client's negativity, to hold it, to explore it, gives the therapist the opportunity to challenge and help the client to correct and integrate differently with others. There's a well known child therapist who says something like, “I can commit that as a whole, after bringing your child to therapy, he will act/feel better, but I can't commit that after each specific session he will act/feel good.”
What gets corrected in the therapeutic relationship has the potential to transfer outside the therapy. So some therapists actually believe that every shidduch can work. There is no right or wrong or good or bad. There are only relationship interactions and how they are resolved.
What makes a good shidduch is often what somatic therapists call the felt sense. It's not something contrived or intellectualized. It's simply there or not there, that energy, that bond between two people. In this case the therapist and client. It's not based on a particular model of therapy or thinking. It simply something that feels right.
A good shidduch is a therapist who gets it. The foundation of good therapy is the ability
of the therapist to get feedback and genuinely adjust her understanding of the client. To ask, “Am I getting you?”Not to assume, but to ask.
Any meaningful intervention which leads to lasting change is dependent on the therapist's flexibility, sensitivity, and taking the lead from the client. After all, the client is the expert on her life, not the therapist.
Sometimes, ironically, a client may feel perfectly compatible with a therapist and it will be because you and the therapist share the same blind spots!
How can you tell then which is really a good fit and which is an illusion?
Pretty simple. Track results. If the therapy is working, you're getting results, keep at it. If it isn't, it's time to bring it up and examine just what's going on.
Your therapist has got to be trainable. Sounds funny, but it's true. If your therapist is trainable, you can train them to be the perfect therapist for you.
What does a trainable therapist look like?
Open to feedback. Doesn't assume he always knows the answers. Doesn't get on the defensive when a client speaks up, critiques, has questions. Can apologize when they have erred. Trusts that the client is his own best therapist. A therapist like that is worth his weight in gold.
Use your instincts/gut feelings to help identify potential issues.
If you feel like things aren't good, don't sweep that under the rug. Rather, bring it up, talk about it, and carefully take note of your therapist's response. Do she ignore you, push it away, minimize your concerns (bad)? Or does he listen with an open mind, take you seriously, ready to be flexible, and seek to work with you (good)?
Clinicians who give off the impression of my way or the high way and are unwilling or threatened by a client's differing views are probably not a great choice. Even if the therapist is considered the expert in his field, you are the expert on yourself. So don't get intimidated by his credentials.
It takes humility, a non-judgmental stance, and curiosity on therapists' end to be able to practice good therapy. And truly? That kind of therapist, one who lacks arrogance,who practices with humility, can "click" with almost anyone.
You want to find a therapist who is respectful of you. Who doesn't make you wait for your appointment when you have made it your business to be on time. One who doesn't switch or cancel your appointment abruptly. One who is consistent with the agreed upon time and day of your appointment. When you are seeking a clinician, know that one that cannot provide consistency will ultimately affect the therapeutic work.
So again, don't be afraid to ask those questions. “Are you on time and consistent with appointments?” And if that therapist has an issue with consistency, you can bet if you ask that question, either they will admit the truth, or that consistency will become the truth for you when you become her client. Because you were smart enough to ask!
You are not looking for someone who can give good advice. That's the job of a mentor or rav. Therapy is about empowering the client. What you are looking for in a therapist is someone who is safe. Offers safety. Someone who can communicate hope, encouragement and faith in the client.
And you know what?
There's also the practical aspect of a good shidduch. Stuff like fees and location and travel time. If therapy becomes impractical for you for any or all of those reasons,you will stop coming anyway. Sometimes you have to be practical about your decision.
And I will end off with one last thing. Just because a therapist is a "top therapist" does not mean that the therapist is top for you.
So go ahead. Get engaged. In therapy. It may be the best shidduch of your life!
Thank you Miriam Adler, PhD, Michele Cohen LCSW, Chaya Friedman LCSW, Chani Gerstel MS LAC, Devorah Goldman LMSW, Yitzi Horowitz, LCSW, Joel Yisrael Kleinman, MSW, LSW, Michael Simcha Lax, PSY.D, Nachum Mirell, LCSW, Moshe Norman, LCSW, Esther Rand, LCSW, Avital Tarieff LCSW, and Chaya Tauber LCSW for your contributions to this article!
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