Dear Therapist:

I am writing about a very painful matter that unfortunately other parents are struggling with as well. As I write this letter at the end of July my daughter does not yet have a high school for next year. I will leave aside the larger communal issue of children not getting into schools because I don’t think this is the forum for it but suffice it to say that she is an excellent girl with middos tovos and has had good grades throughout elementary school. She is keeping up a pretty strong face but I know this is bothering her terribly.  I can’t imagine how painful it must be to hear all her friends talk about their plans for next year while she has none. While I am hopeful that things will work out, in the end this is a stressful time for the whole family. I would greatly appreciate your advice on how to help her/us through this difficult time.

Response:

As you mention, your situation is painful for your daughter as well as for the rest of the family.  There are a few things to consider with regard to how everyone deals with this emotionally.

We often project our own feelings onto others.  We assume that they are feeling what we are.  Recognize that there are multiple people involved in this issue—your daughter, you, and other family members.  Each person will respond to this issue (and other issues) in his own unique way.  This is based on many factors like personality, insecurities, and coping strategies.  Therefore, it can be helpful for each person to acknowledge and respect the others’ reactions even if they differ from their own.  

You mentioned that your daughter doesn’t display outward signs of distress.  This might be a defense mechanism whereby she doesn’t allow herself to feel upset.  Or it could mean that she’s making an attempt to put up a positive front so as not to upset you.  Or it could mean that the situation simply doesn’t bother her.  The burden of finding her a high school is largely on you.  Your daughter’s perspective may be that you will eventually find her a school, so she doesn’t need to worry about it.

Although each person has his inimitable way of reacting emotionally, one person’s reactions can affect those of another.  If your daughter appears unconcerned, this might decrease your anxiety.  Alternatively, this might increase your anxiety because you may place more focus on your own feelings. 

Children often take emotional cues from their parents.  If your daughter is for the most part unconcerned, seeing you upset might cause her to feel that there is something to worry about.  If your daughter gets the sense from you that things will work out regardless of the outcome, she is more likely to go with the flow and to adopt the attitude that life will go on. 

If you have reason to believe that your daughter is distressed and that this experience may detrimentally affect her self-esteem, you can make it clear that she should feel comfortable speaking with you (or someone else) about her feelings.  You might find that her concerns are very different from yours, and that you can alleviate them.  If you are projecting your feelings onto your daughter, recognizing that she is not as upset as you think can also help to ease some of your anxiety.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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