Dear Therapist:

I am a 12th grader in what is considered a very chosuva mesivta. There are some things that I would like to discuss with someone. They cause me a lot of worry but I do not feel comfortable discussing this with a rebbe or mashgiach in yeshiva. I think that maybe a therapist would be the right type of person to discuss this with. The issue is that my father doesn't hold of therapy. I am not sure how to bring this up with him and I don't want to get pressured to share something that I am not really comfortable discussing. I am really stuck. Can you give me advice as to how to move forward?  Thank you.

Response:

A generation ago, fewer people sought the help of a therapist.  Those who eventually went for help often did so because they had reached the point where they were no longer functioning normally.  This had the effect of creating the impression that therapy was only for people who had severe issues.  Over the years, however, it has become clear that working on problems in their beginning phase can help to avoid more severe future problems.  

Fortunately, over the past generation or so, the general population and the yeshiva world in particular have become much more open to the concept and importance of therapy.  However, as you point out, there are many people who feel that therapy does not help.  Worse yet, there are those who secretly recognize that therapy can help and is often necessary, but they refuse to avail themselves of it due to fear of stigma or other emotional reasons.

It sounds like you could use a third party who can help to convey your message to your father without the necessity of going into details.  The question is whether this third party should be a family member—like your mother—or someone who is impartial.  Either way, this would need to be someone who will not pressure you for information, and who can persuade your father not to pressure you. 

The fact that much of the yeshiva world has come to embrace therapy as a great asset in many areas can help you to convince your father that seeing a therapist is the right thing for you to do.  If there is a rav or rosh yeshiva with whom you feel comfortable discussing the issue—and whom your father respects—he can help your father to understand how therapy works, and can help to dispel any negative associations that your father has with regard to therapy.  If you don’t feel comfortable discussing the specifics of your issues, you can simply explain that you want to help your father feel more comfortable with the idea of you speaking with a therapist.

If there is no one in your life with whom you feel comfortable discussing your feelings, there are many well-known and respected rabbonim who are quite familiar with mental health issues, and who would be happy to help educate your father about the process.  This can help him to feel more comfortable with the idea, and can help him to recognize the efficacy of the therapy process.  If you would like a recommendation for a rav who might be able to help you, feel free to call or email me.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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