Dear Therapist:

When I was a young boy in high school I was treated horribly by an English teacher. For whatever reason he would pick on me constantly, always pointing out when I didn't know something (I was not a good student so this was pretty often). He would embarrass me in front of the entire class and called me a "shoyta". It was a very bad tekufa in my life but I survived. Fast forward 20 years and I BH have a wonderful family with children of my own. Recently this very teacher moved to my town and began davening in my shul. He is now a CPA so I guess he figured out that teaching isn't for him. I don't think he even remembers who I am. A friend of mine who knows how miserable he made me keeps pushing me to go over to him and confront him for all the pain he caused me years ago. I really don't want to have what will be an uncomfortable confrontation for me. I am not really interested in opening that can of worms. On the other hand it's weird to have him sitting right there oblivious to the negative impact he has had on my life. I think it would be helpful to hear your opinions on how/if to proceed. Thank you.

Response:

Obviously, as you mention, this issue is yours alone since you don’t think that your teacher even remembers you.  It’s likely, even if he does remember you, that he has a very different perspective on the situation.  Unfortunately, teachers are often not trained to understand the emotional impact that they can have on their students.  I have seen this lead to long-standing, deep emotional problems.  You seem to be weighing the possible advantages of confronting him against the possible disadvantages of having an awkward conversation (and possibly uncomfortable relationship) with him. 

Although many of us face similar situations and decisions, this one appears to be reminiscent of a memory that was particularly hurtful for you.  You refer to your pain as related only to the past, and you state that your only issue is the weirdness factor. However, the negative feelings that were caused by your teacher’s actions have likely been triggered before by unrecognized sources, and may now be getting triggered by a more obvious source. 

If you have truly dealt with the feelings that hurt you, your decision is simply a matter of what makes the most sense given the current situation. You mention, however, that you don’t want to open “that can of worms.”  You also speak of the negative impact that this teacher has had on your life.  This indicates to me that there are emotions from your experience with this teacher that have not been resolved.  If this is the case, in a sense the current situation can be helpful in that you can now address a root cause of these emotions.

It can be very difficult to properly assess any situation that includes a large degree of emotion.  Strong emotions can trick you into believing that they are logical thoughts.  If, as a child, you felt (and therefore believed) that your teacher hated you and thought that you were unintelligent, the feelings associated with those thoughts can be triggered today without the associated thoughts.  Since you no longer believe yourself to be unintelligent, these conscious thoughts are immediately rejected by your conscious mind as ridiculous.  Nonetheless, the emotions that you felt as a child who was made to believe that he was worthless often come through unscathed.  This occurs because the unconscious mind doesn’t self-filter in the way that the conscious mind does.

You can try and separate your feelings from childhood from your logical understanding of your teacher’s actions by understanding them from your own (and perhaps your teacher’s) adult perspective.  For instance, had this never occurred when you were a child, but happened to you for the first time as an adult (perhaps in college), how would you understand your teacher’s actions.  Would you feel and understand the situation the way that you did as a child?  As an example, would you feel (and therefore believe) that there is something wrong with you—and that your teacher hates you for good reason?  Or would you recognize that the teacher is flawed, might have been bullied himself, and is perhaps looking for a way to assert his dominance…or that he simply doesn’t understand the pain that he is causing?

Ultimately your decision should come down to the advantages and disadvantages of confronting your teacher.  If you can separate your childhood beliefs and feeling from those from your current adult perspective, you will have a more logical and realistic grasp of these.  This can help you decide whether to approach your teacher.  In addition, this might help you to identify less confrontational ways of communicating with him about your classroom experience.  In fact, you may discover that your sense of discomfort and weirdness will have decreased.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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