Dear Therapist:

I am a pre-school Morah in the local Yeshiva. There is a boy in my class who never talks above a whisper. This has been going on since the beginning of the school year. While the parents insist that the child is just shy I am convinced that this is more than that. Can you please give me an idea of where the line is between shyness and a more serious problem? I would also appreciate any strategies you can suggest in convincing the parents to go for help.

Response:

Without further information, it is difficult to guess at a possible cause for your student’s tendency to whisper.  Depending on the circumstances, this can be related to feelings of anxiety, depression, social phobia or other social issues, adjustment problems, agoraphobia, or separation anxiety to name just a few.  There could be family or social causes, including abuse, bullying or learned behavior.

Although the parents insist that this boy is just shy, my first question would be, “What is shyness, and why are some people shy?”  Is this boy shy because he doesn’t feel comfortable within himself (low self-esteem), or does he feel neglected and uncared for, sensing that others don’t listen to him?  If he is indeed “just shy,” what is behind the shyness, and will it become more problematic going forward? 

You didn’t describe the reason for your sense that this is something more than “normal” shyness.  In fact, you may not have clearly identified the reason for this sense.  If this is based on your observations with regard to other actions on the boy’s part, acknowledging these can help you to get a better handle on the problem.  For instance, perhaps he isolates himself, doesn’t initiate conversation, only speaks with one other boy, makes repetitive motions, or appears afraid of a particular person.  If you can identify more specific concerns, this can help you to better formulate your concerns, and to communicate these to his parents.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317