Our Gemara on Amud Aleph quotes the verse in Vayikra 13:3
אִ֣ישׁ אִמּ֤וֹ וְאָבִיו֙ תִּירָ֔אוּ וְאֶת־שַׁבְּתֹתַ֖י תִּשְׁמֹ֑רוּ אֲנִ֖י הֹ אֱלֹקיכֶֽם׃
You shall each revere your mother and your father, and keep My sabbaths: I am your God.
The juxtaposition of the command to honor parents and to guard the Shabbos teaches that even though the obligation to honor parents is sacred, if they demand something that violates the Shabbos, they are not to be heeded.
The Shaalah ( תורה אור קדושים ) notes a linguistic problem in this verse and makes a fabulous derivation. The verse starts in the singular, “איש “ each person, but ends with plural, “תיראו “ you (plural) shall fear. This underscores that though the initial and principal responsibility is on the child, the parents have an obligation in this regard as well. Parents must be careful to avoid being overbearing, leading to the child’s inability to comply. Indeed this is codified in Shulkhan Arukh (YD 240:19):
“It is forbidden to overburden his children and be exacting in his demands for honor so as not to cause them to stumble (by rebelling). Rather, one should be forgiving and make himself deliberately ignorant of their failings. A father is permitted to release his child from the obligation to honor him.”
There are certain directives in the Torah that are paradoxical in the sense that there may be two parties, each obligated in the opposite direction. Here, the child is obligated to go to extreme lengths to honor parents (see YD 240:8), yet at the same time, the parents are obligated to be mindful of the burden, even to the point of willful ignorance.
In certain relationships, it isn’t about linear mathematical requirements that math up into some perfect equation. Each party needs to reach toward some ideal, that likely as not, neither one can fully achieve.
So too, in regard to the marriage relationship, there are mutual obligations of honor, respect and generosity. Here is how the Rambam (Laws of Marriage 15:19-20) codifies it, and notice the similarities and differences in the text, based on rabbinic traditional ideas about gender roles and sensitivities. One might feel differently today about some of the wording, however the point I am highlighting is that each person has obligations to extend themselves and show deference and honor to the other:
Thus the Sages commanded: A man should honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself. If he is of financial means, he should honor her in what is in accordance with his wealth. He should not inspire excess fear in her, and he should speak gently with her, and be neither depressed nor hot-tempered.
And likewise, regarding the wife’s obligations, the Sages commanded: A woman should honor her husband effusively, and have awe of him, do all of her actions according to his word. He should seem to her like a minister or king, walking in the desires of his heart, and distancing herself from what he hates. This is how holy and pure Jews behave in their marriages. These paths should be their pleasant and praiseworthy lifestyle.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
Do you like what you see? Please subscribe and also forward any articles you enjoy to your friends, (enemies too, why not?)