Dear Therapist:
Our daughter is starting high school after a difficult social experience in elementary school. She is a good girl, but she never really found her place and often felt left out.
Baruch Hashem she [YL1] is going to a school that may be a better fit for her, and we are hoping this can be a fresh start. At the same time, we worry that after years of feeling left out, she may come in nervous, guarded, or expecting things to go the same way again.
How can parents help a child go into a new social situation with confidence and openness, without making too big a deal about it or turning her social life into a project?
Response:
Your concern is understandable. Although your daughter is starting fresh in high school, you’re concerned that her social experiences may follow her. It’s natural for parents to worry about their children. We all have concerns in various areas. The challenge is separating legitimate concerns from emotional ones.
Emotional fears are those that are largely based on insecurities or past circumstances that are no longer relevant. For instance, if there is reason to believe that your daughter’s social difficulties in elementary school were related to an emotional or executive functioning issue, your concern would be understandable—and those are areas in which you may be able to help her.
If, however, it appears that her past social difficulties were largely situational, your concerns take on a different perspective. Your daughter may be excited to move on from a difficult environment to one in which she can flourish. Or, as you suggest, she may be nervous about high school, expecting a repeat of her elementary school experience.
Of course, both can be true. She may feel excited and nervous at the same time. She may hope for the best while preparing for the worst. Or she may be thinking and feeling things that would surprise you.
Very few things in life are cut-and-dried. It’s likely that there were multiple factors contributing to your daughter’s earlier social experiences. She may be somewhat shy, have low self-esteem, feel different from her peers, or worry about embarrassing herself. At the same time, the atmosphere of her elementary school may also have contributed to her feeling socially isolated.
You worry that she may enter high school fearful of repeating those experiences. That makes sense, and those feelings would be understandable. The question is whether they will become an obstacle. If she remains open to the possibility that things can be different, those fears may diminish rather quickly. If, however, she truly expects history to repeat itself, those expectations could become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It seems that much of this discussion is speculative. You’re considering how your daughter may feel and react as she begins high school. My response likewise involves possibilities rather than certainties. I wonder whether you’ve had this conversation with her.
I know that you don’t want to turn her social life into a project, but one or two conversations about how she feels going into high school probably doesn’t constitute a project. Of course, you know your daughter and the nature of your relationship with her, but she may welcome the opportunity to share her hopes and concerns. You may even discover that your worries are largely unwarranted.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
[YL1]“she” added
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