Dear Therapist:

I have a good marriage, baruch Hashem, and we have been married for several years. Finances have been tight for a while, and over the past few years I have slowly built up a significant amount of debt. It is not completely out of control, but it is serious enough that it needs to be dealt with.

I am trying hard to work on it, but my wife does not really know the full picture. I realize that if we are going to make a real plan, I need to tell her. At the same time, I am very worried about what this will do to our relationship and how she will look at me afterward.

How do I have this conversation in a way that is honest and responsible, without making my wife feel betrayed or making a big problem between us?

Response:

Your direct question relates to your wife’s feelings and the outcome of disclosing the details of the situation to her. You worry that she may feel betrayed and that your relationship may suffer.

However, you also mentioned your fear that she will view you differently once she understands the full situation. I wonder to what degree this is the larger issue for you. Are you concerned about the impact of your financial situation on your marriage solely because your wife might feel betrayed? Are you worried that the actual financial situation might place a large burden on your relationship?

Do you feel that she will look down on you, thus causing a rift between the two of you? If so, is your fear that she will judge you as a poor provider, or that she will feel that you’re not trustworthy? Is it a combination of all of these issues? Are there other concerns of which you may not be fully conscious?

Do you and your wife have communication issues in general, or is your financial situation the only thing that you have kept from her? If the former, your focus should be broader. Although you’re now dealing with the fallout from one particular communication breakdown, this is likely a more systemic problem.

If your communication is generally positive and open, you should probably ask yourself what prompted you to keep your financial situation secret in the first place. Might this relate to fear of being judged by your wife? By people in general? In what other ways does this affect you?

It’s important to clearly identify what it is that you’re worried about. This helps in two key ways. First, it helps reduce feelings of anxiety. When we’re unsure of what is bothering us, our unconscious minds play tricks on us, causing us to be afraid of innumerable possibilities. Identifying the actual fears allows us to work through them.

Additionally, when we don’t consciously consider what’s truly bothering us, we often focus on the most obvious issue. Though obvious, this is not necessarily the fundamental problem. In fact, our unconscious minds often tend to obscure the main issue in order to "protect" us from pain. In actuality, all this does is cause us to focus on the obvious issue, in turn causing us to spin our wheels trying to address something that is not even the primary problem.

Once you have a clearer understanding of what you are actually afraid of, you will likely find it much easier to approach the conversation with your wife openly and honestly, focusing on working together rather than on defending yourself.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200