Dear Therapist:
I’m a high school girl, and at the end of last year one of my teachers said something that stayed with me. She told me, “I know you didn’t like my class, but I really enjoyed having you.”
The thing is that I actually did like her class. I thought she was a good teacher, and I never meant to give off the impression that I didn’t care or didn’t like it.
Since then, I keep wondering what she saw that made her think that. I am not very expressive, and I know I can come across a little bit serious or too cool sometimes, but inside I may be interested or enjoying myself.
How do you know if the way you come across to people is different from how you really feel? And is there a way to work on that without feeling fake or like I have to perform?
Response:
What you're describing is probably far more common than you might think. Many of us are overly concerned about what others think of us, but we don't often stop to actually, thoughtfully consider how they're internalizing and reacting to our cues.
Although we worry about others' judgment, our assumptions are often based on projecting our own thoughts and emotions onto them. If we're insecure about something, we feel that others recognize this quality and hone in on it. Similarly, if we like or dislike something, it's easy to assume that others can tell.
Of course, when we stop to think about it, we realize that others can't read our minds. But we don't typically question the things that feel obvious to us; we simply assume they're just as obvious to everyone else.
It seems that, until this conversation with your teacher, you weren't concerned that others might be reading you wrong. Is that because no one had ever mentioned it before? Or is it because most people generally are able to read you? If it's the latter, does the issue lie more with you or with your teacher? Is it possible that her own experiences — or perhaps her own insecurities — led her to feel that you had no interest in her class? If so, maybe you're not as hard to read as you fear.
I find it interesting that you aren't considering simply asking your teacher what led her to believe you didn't like her class. It also seems you never corrected the impression — letting her know that you did, in fact, enjoy it. You mentioned that you're not very expressive. Does that mean you don't often volunteer information on your own, or that you don't share your thoughts and feelings even when asked? If so, might that be contributing to others' possibly inaccurate impressions of you?
You wonder whether you generally come across differently than you actually feel, and whether you'd have to fake your reactions in order to show people what's really going on inside. Essentially, you're worried that the hints you're broadcasting are being misread, so you're wondering how to adjust them. But a better, more honest approach is to stop relying on hints altogether. You can simply be a bit more verbal about your thoughts and feelings. If you sense that someone isn't picking up on your cues, you can make a simple comment or ask a simple question. This doesn't mean changing your personality — it's just a matter of awareness, and a willingness to open up a little. That alone can go a long way toward getting your message across. Based on how people respond, you may find that you're nowhere near as unreadable as you fear.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200