The Talmud Yerushalmi in Pesachim provides us with one of the most famous Midrashim on the entire Hagaddah, ‘K’neged Arba’ah Banim’, the story of the Four Sons. This story offers a rich tapestry of psychological insight when viewed through the lense of individualization of attention whether for children or generalized overall. Communication works for those who work at it. Each individualized interaction is an opportunity to create a connection.

 

The Four Sons embody a spectrum of personalities and inclinations, from the wise and inquisitive, the simple and naive, the rebellious and disengaged, and the silent and introspective. Each son represents a unique blend of characteristics, requiring a customized approach to nurture their growth and understanding. Just as in individualized child-centered parenting, where caregivers adapt their guidance to suit the needs of each child, the Haggadah reminds us of the importance of recognizing and honoring the distinctiveness of each individual within our families and communities.

 

Each of the four sons corresponds to a passuk in Torah, in which Hashem indicates instruction given by a father to his child. The Chasam Sofer teaches us from ‘K’neged Arba’ah Banim’ - the word ‘K’neged’ can be translated as ‘According to the four children.’ According to the needs of each child, we must adapt our techniques, depending on what the child needs in each particular situation. What works for one child may not work for another. We must help each person on their own level. We must validate others, show them love, recognize their needs and be there for them. We must adjust and tailor to each person individually. ‘K’negedArba’ah Banim’ - according to the needs of each one of our children.

 

Here are communication tips and steps for each personality type:

1. Chacham (The Wise Son):
• Tip: Engage in thoughtful discussion and provide depth.
• Steps: The Chacham is eager to learn and understand deeply. Encourage their curiosity by engaging in meaningful conversations, answering their questions thoroughly, and providing additional resources for further exploration.
 
2. Rasha (The Rebellious Son):
• Tip: Approach with empathy and understanding.
• Steps: The Rasha may challenge or question tradition, but it's essential not to dismiss or condemn them outright. Instead, try to understand their perspective, validate their concerns, and engage in open dialogue. Encourage critical thinking while also emphasizing empathy and respect for tradition.
 
3. Tam (The Simple Son):
• Tip: Provide clear and straightforward explanations.
• Steps: The Tam may not ask many questions or show much interest initially, but they still deserve clear and accessible explanations. Avoid overwhelming them with complex or abstract concepts. Instead, offer simple, concrete explanations that they can easily understand and relate to.
 
4. She'eino Yodea Lish'ol (The One Who Does Not Know How to Ask):
• Tip: Be patient and proactive in offering guidance.
• Steps: This person may struggle to articulate questions or express curiosity. Be patient and observant, paying attention to cues that indicate their interest. Offer gentle prompts, share stories, and provide opportunities for them to engage at their own pace. Create a supportive environment where they feel comfortable asking questions and exploring their curiosity.

 

Tailoring your message to the individual shows that you value them enough to speak their language. The Haggadah's response to each son demonstrates the art of tailoring communication and guidance to meet the needs of the individual.  Similarly, in our interactions with others, whether in parenting, teaching, or mentoring roles, adjusting our approach to resonate with each person individually fosters understanding, connection, and growth. In a world full of noise, personalized communication is the signal that breaks through. May we learn from the lessons of the Haggadah to understand the unique needs and perspectives of all people by learning to speak their language.

Shabbat Shalom, 
Elan 

Elan Javanfard, M.A., L.M.F.T. is a Consulting Psychotherapist focused on behavioral health redesign, a Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University, & a lecturer related to Mindfulness, Evidence Based Practices, and Suicide Prevention. Elan is the author of Psycho-Spiritual Insights: Exploring Parasha & Psychology, weekly blog.  He lives in Los Angeles Pico Robertson community with his wife and three children and can be reached at Elan.Javanfard@gmail.com.

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