Q. My fifteen year old is driving my twelve year daughter crazy (let me call them Esti and Faige, respectively). Although they never got along, this year has been the worst. Faige is a very easy going, sweet girl and Esti is demanding and always complaining. Esti complains that Faige doesn't help at home, or that Faige is bothering her (which is hard to believe especially when I don't see Faige doing anything), or any number of things she can think of. We have tried to talk to Esti but she stubbornly insists that she is right and we favor her sister. Faige is very unhappy. They also share a room so they are together for much of the time. We are at our wits' end with this problem!

A.

As a therapist, I learned something very powerful from Dr. Norman Blumenthal, when he presented at a Nefesh Conference I attended while still a student in Social Work school. He said, “Listen to how your client presents the information even more than the information itself.”

I am listening. And this is what I hear.

Parents who have labeled their two daughters; one as bad and one as good. A younger sister who may be being bullied. A frustrated older sister who may have valid complaints but her method of communication is preventing her being heard.

I remember an incident when my sweet little sister (Now she is sweet, then she was a brat. I hope she is not reading this. She may not invite me for weekends anymore...) was six and I was twelve. I was in my room studying and heard this rhythmic banging sound. “Raizy,” I yelled. Stop banging!

“Leave me alone,” I heard her yell back. “I'm not doing anything!”The banging continued, I continued yelling and my sister ignored me.

“Ma,” I yelled. “Tell Raizy to stop banging!”

Nobody answered.

I finally stormed out of my room ready to give it to my sister. She saw me coming and ran to the kitchen, “Mommeee!”

I ran after her to the kitchen, and before I could complain, I saw my mother banging out the cutlets for supper.

Yep, I was wrong. But what I wasn't wrong about was my sister who knew what the banging was, and was smirking the whole time knowing it was driving me crazy, knowing that she wasn't doing anything, knowing I would get yelled at for yelling at her for doing nothing. And my mother not hearing a thing as she was doing the banging!

The moral of the story (Raizy, are listening?) is that there are not only two sides to the story, that of each sister, but also a third side that may belong to the parent. A story that she may not even be aware of.

So here is what I think.

Somewhere along the line, Esti experienced the normal jealousy that accompanies the birth of a new baby, her new sister. And reacted with her innate personality. Instead of her jealousy being addressed, her behaviors were labeled as aggressive, demanding. And with that her frustration grew. Possibly more than possibly, her complaints have validity. Certain temperaments lend themselves more to accomplishments, and probably your second child's easy going nature may also mean she cares less and does less. Chances are you will ask your older daughter to do errands or clean up or babysit, telling her that she is older so of course you are asking her; even though when she was 12 like her sister, you still were able to ask her those very things you don't bother asking Faige now.

If you would ask Esti how Faige doesn't help, or if you would ask Esti how Faige is bothering her, and if you would really listen, you may hear an answer. It is possible Faige does not mean to bother her older sister, but if Faige asks Esti questions while she is studying, even after Esti has asked her two or three times to please be quiet, that would definitely bother her. It would even bother her father who is involved with his own task in which he wants uninterrupted time. True, her father would give his daughter that attention after he is finished, but Esti won't. Because the resentment has built up too long and high for that kind of relationship.

As a therapist, I have found that whenever parents describe their child as behaving nastily to another, and I simply ask my client why, there is always a valid response. I have never heard my client telling me, “I am doing it because I love being nasty and hurting my brother.”

It may be true they are acting nasty or hurtful, but that is usually because nobody is listening to them. And being teenagers, they think the louder they yell, or the more nasty they become, somebody will finally listen. That is their only mistake. They are usually right about their assessment of the situation. It is usually true that they help more or that their sibling is bothersome or their parents favor in some way the sibling in question. They may not understand the dynamics of their situation, but their observations on some level is accurate.

So here is my advice.

Prepare yourself for a conversation with your daughter, Esti. Think about all her positive traits. The ones you totally did not mention in your question, although you could have if you had wanted to. If you cannot think anything good about your daughter, then the problem begins with you, not with her.

Now take Esti out for ice cream. Or on a walk. Give her your undivided time.

Then ask her, really ask her like you mean it and care to hear her answers, how her sister is making her crazy. Listen really closely to what she says. Think before you answer. Remember, you cannot always solve the situation, but if you listen, the value of being heard is healing on its own.

And then ask her how she would want you to deal with it.

“Tell Faige she can't be in my room when I study.” Or, “Tell Faige she needs to do the grocery errands Friday instead of me.”

If something can't change, ask her how you can help make it easier. “If you continue Shabbos shopping because Esti would come back with all the wrong things, would it help if I pay you $20?”

And it's really important to take care of this because it is very possible your younger daughter is being bullied by her sister. Inadvertently, but still being bullied. A child that feels her parents cannot protect her is a dis-empowered adult. It's not fair to Faige, who has evolved into the good-natured one., to have to put up with nasty behaviors. Even if Esti's is justified, she cannot be allowed to act intolerably to her sister.

You are their parents.

Love. Listen. Do.

(And don't believe anything my sister says about me.)

NOTE: This article was originally published in Binah Magazine

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