NEFESH: The International Network of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals

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In My Mind (and on the couch)
Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW

Click here to view my clinical profile

A Selection Of Articles, Musings, And Information Detailing The Struggles Of The Ordinary Person; A Celebration Of The Individual's Resilience To Overcome Challenges And Live Authentically.

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Open reader view My Kid Wants to Be a Superhero for Purim

Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW

March 13th, 2016

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE'S MONTHLY COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST

Question:

One of my children wants to dress up as a superhero this Purim.I personally feel that I don't want my child dressing up as a superhero especially on a holy day like Purim, yet some of his friends are dressing up as superheroes, and I know a parent is supposed to "pick his battles." Do you think this is a battle worth fighting?

Answer:

You know that you need to direct this question to your rav or mentor, right? I am a therapist, not a rabbi and do not dare to cross boundaries by deciding on religious issues. So now that I cleared that up, I can go ahead and figure out what are you really asking, and how I can help you make a sound decision concerning you son's choice of costume for Purim.

But first, I have some questions too.

Are you asking how to communicate with your child so that there need not be a battle to begin with?

Are you asking how to set limits when your son asks for something you do not want to give, whether it is a financial or religious or moral limit?

Do you want to know how children grow spiritually/religiously and what is your role as a parent to make that growth occur successfully?

All are fabulous questions, if I may say so myself!

I am trying to figure out in which order to answer these questions, but I think they are interconnected, so here goes.

Kids will ask for anything that jumps into their head that they are certain they need right now. In a given day, hour, or second, they can need up to seven hundred and fifty three things that a second, hour, or day later they have totally forgotten about altogether. And generally, we say yes or no depending on the request and our feelings about the request. Cookie, no; kiss, yes. Airplane, no; game, yes. Smack his brother for taking his baseball glove, no; starving for supper, yes. And the list is endless. Unless you abdicate responsibility as a parent, you can address all his questions and requests fairly easily and intelligently. Unless he throws you a curve ball.

So, is the costume question a curve ball? What makes it different from any other thing he wants and asks for? If you don't want him to have it, for your religious reasons, it seems no different to me than you saying no to a cookie before supper, to buying him a private jet, or he insisting that you smack his brother for some real or imagined injury. It's simply your decision as to what is considered appropriate or not at this time.

And if you have a relationship with him, if you have a history of communication with him, then probably you can either state your reasoning to him while explaining it's non-negotiable, or you can distract him with ideas for an even better costume.

Okay, okay. I am not that naive that I don't know and understand that peer pressure can be a strong factor in what a child wants to do. In some communities kids will dress up as the Chassidic Rebbe like all his friends, and in some communities, kids will dress up as the superhero like all his friends.

As I have responded to many questions in these columns in the past, I will say again that when you choose a community in which to live, when you choose a school in which to send your child, you need to accept that those choices will influence your child's choices as well. You may have grown up without a motorized mini- jeep, without an ipod, eating only eating cholov yisroel. But if you live in a community where children are affluent, where having an ipod is the norm once you hit fifteen, where cholov yisroel is not attainable, then the rules usually change.

If ALL ( or even most of) the kids in his class wear superhero costumes, then either change his school, speak to the administration to effect change on a global level, or allow your child to wear it. Or use your great relationship with your child to take a stand and figure out a way to sweeten the deal with his compliance in wearing something different.

If you are worried about his spirituality, his religiosity, then you need to address his choice of costume on a much deeper level way before Purim.

How does he even know what a superhero is? What is he reading? What is he watching? Where is he going? What is he playing? Hmmm?

A child develops a spiritual/religious framework from his immediate role models. Parents first. Then from his extended family, school, community and greater culture in which he lives. Religion for a child goes through stages and phases of religious development, of which the the beginning ones are based on the externals of punishment and reward, wanting to please parents and other important adults, and only then moves on into a deeper level of meaning. You need to help your child absorb the rituals and external aspects of religion, as well as allow for meaning to develop as his ability to think matures as well. Your modeling is crucial, as is his relationship with you as his first exposure to religion. In order for him to accept your decision not to wear a superhero costume, there must be a few things in place to overcome peer pressure: a desire to please you, a role model of religiosity that causes him to align himself with your values even if only on a superficial level, and an environment that supports his home values.

So what are your religious behaviors? The school's? Which magazines and media enter your home that exposes your child to the greater American culture?

This is not a question of religion, necessarily. It's a question of how to instill in a child a parent's values—in any area.

It's not a question of picking your battles; it's a question of how you have created and implemented the strategies necessary to win the war. So that you are well-prepared even in a surprise attack. And you can catch that curve ball easily.