Did I ever mention how I love controversy? Nah, right?

Did I ever mention how much I love all my readers? The ones who turn to my column first each Monday morning, but especially the ones who hate my columns but somehow, even if they refuse to read them, have astonishing x-ray vision that allows them access to my articles enough to write angry letters to me and to my editors about them.

Yep, I love you all.

And really, I respect you even more. For sharing your stories, your pain and passion, your triumphs and travails. For demanding good answers when I raise hard questions. So this is my response to all the teachers, mentors, parents, students, and clients who had some powerful questions about boundaries between students and teachers, and other such type of similar relationships.

For the sake of clarity, I will use generalization, but know that your specific situation may be unique for different reasons, and you may not fit into any of my generalizations whether you are the parent, student, or teacher being generalized about. And know, that although boundaries were broken and betrayals occurred, most of the time, these occurred outside of malicious intent. Miscommunication and lack of knowledge are the primary reasons for any fallout. The purpose of this article then is NOT to blame or pass judgment on those involved in these betrayals. I would never dare do that. Because I know that somewhere, in some other therapist’s office, a former client of mine may be talking about feeling abandoned and betrayed by me. (Although, if that is true, I would welcome the opportunity to address that rupture. To understand, to apologize, to explain, to repair.).

No, the purpose here is to explain what happens, why it happens, to whom it happens, how to prevent it from happening, and what to do if it has already happened.

For the sake of clarity, I will use the teacher-student relationship, but I am referring to all the variations: mentor, counselor, neighbor, therapist, older friend, even peer relationships, occurring at any stage in life well into adulthood. For those who feel you may be entangled in a similar relationship, stretch your imagination to allow the teacher/student scenario to be adapted to any other in which you are involved.

So, what happens is that a student likes a teacher. Often the teacher likes this student as well. And the student in some way needs help. Because the confident, happy student may chat with a teacher, but usually will not form any strong bond with a teacher, under most circumstances. There may be mutual respect, some communication about school activities, some concerns, but the relationship does not move beyond that. Such students are even reluctant to speak to the teacher. They will send their parent to do it instead.

So the student approaches the teacher under some pretext or another. Or the teacher, with her fine attunement to her student’s needs, will reach out. Or the principal will request the teacher reach out. So she does. She invites her to speak to her during lunch. Or recess. Or a free period. Or whatever. And the student comes. And begins to talk.

Now understand something important. Usually, when boundaries are crossed, it is with students/people who are outwardly successful.

The reality is that when a student is unhygienic, low IQ functioning, or lacks any discernable talent or social graces, the teacher has no difficulty being caring and concerned—even loving—but when such a student latches on to the teacher as a mother figure, the teacher will quickly become aware of this boundary breach and redirect the student to obtain appropriate help. This becomes much harder with a popular, talented GO-president type of protégée. The teacher is often unaware of how the student is relating in an unhealthy way because of the student’s ability to keep up the outward mask of successful functioning. By the time the teacher begins to experience discomfort, it is terribly difficult to disengage in a mutually healthy manner.

It’s not pleasant to hear, but it’s true. It’s easier to realize the former needs help than the pretty, popular girl GO president type does. And so the teacher, unwittingly, encourages the student’s confidences, assuming the student’s stability, thinking she simply needs a listening ear and some guidance.

And because this type of girl is usually successful, personable and charming, the teacher has no problem inviting her to her home on Shabbos afternoons, welcoming her erev Shabbos to help her in the kitchen or babysit, asking for her input in volunteer projects. The teacher thinks all this girl needs is a positive role model, a chance to see shalom bayis and appropriate parenting and all will be well. This teacher thinks that just one more conversation will help this girl see the light.

And the student is usually very responsive. Verbal in her love and praise for the teacher. Sometimes even doing better in school behaviorally, academically.

So what goes wrong?

What went wrong is simply this: The type of student who accepts invitations to talk to teachers, who accept invitations for Shabbos afternoons in her teacher’s home, the type who wants to bake or cook there, who volunteers to babysit her teacher’s children often, who always says yes to an opportunity to be with her teacher no matter what—is the type of student who will inevitably cause the teacher to cross boundaries in an unhealthy way.

What kind of student creates this intense, unhealthy relationship?

Usually a person with borderline tendencies and a severely impaired relationship with her mother; a person with an ambivalent attachment style and desperate desire to be loved. (Borderline tendencies and ambivalent attachment styles have already been explored in prior articles.)

What type of mentor becomes embroiled in this type of relationship?

A person who is drawn to helping others. Who has a fierce need to be on the giving end. Who is sensitive and attuned and wants—who thinks she must— be the savior, the rescuer.

I believe that all good teachers and others in the helping professions—myself included, have a deep need to help others. Maybe we are born this way, but we also have our own stories that drive us to this field. Our histories have sensitized us to the pain of others, and have literally driven us into fields that require us to give to others.

And I will add something else, which may get me lynched, but here goes anyway (have I ever shied away from saying difficult things?).

There is also a small group of those in the helping professional—who have been drawn to their fields of either teaching or therapy—who have a pathological need to help others from their own borderline and/or narcissistic tendencies which feed their own intense need of being recognized, appreciated, and loved. (But of course, you know I am absolutely NOT talking about YOU. The borderline or narcissist never does…lol)

But with the best teachers and therapists, these students, the ones with borderline tendencies, have the uncanny knack for pulling in the teacher, mentor, therapist, or friend into a relationship that slowly but surely moves the boundaries of what is acceptable and normal. It happens slowly. Imperceptibly. The teacher begins to feel uncomfortable. Something is wrong. But how could it be? She doubts her intuition (borderline tendencies cause that blurring of lines, that erasure of formerly intact intuition!), she feels sucked into a maelstrom of her student’s needs, she find herself frustrated and angry, she feels cruel for saying no.

The teacher attempts to create, erect, to maintain boundaries again and again. And then The Dance begins. Of the student pushing, the teacher pulling away. The student pulls away in hurt and fury; the teacher approaches her with concern and caring. Again, the teacher attempts to set boundaries, again the student rages, accuses, cries, and pleads. Again the teacher capitulates. But when the teacher can no longer tolerate the noose around her neck, she abruptly cuts off. Because if she has tried to do it nicely in the past, to set boundaries within which she can function, the student refuses to allow it with her histrionics, her games of hurt and anger and “How can you do this to me? I thought you loved me? I need you! You are the only one that can help me!” and of course, “You are the first person I ever trusted and now you are doing to me what everyone else in the past has done to me!”

As a therapist, with years of psychology under my belt, with hundreds of books on attachment running through my brain, coming out of my ears, and weekly supervision, sometimes even two or three times a week, I am aware of my desire, my need to help others—to save and rescue my clients—and am excruciatingly mindful on how it may impact my clients if I do not guard our boundaries.

It doesn’t seem fair to ask that same mindfulness of teachers, when they lack the psychological schooling to understand these crazy dynamics. But yet we need to, because when teachers cross boundaries with these types of students, the end usually results in betrayal. And not only teachers, but older friends, counselors, rebetzins, aunts, neighbors, and even peers.

What advice can I give those gifted, marvelous teachers who acknowledge these scenarios but refuse to accept that they will become the clock-in/clock-out teachers, refuse to live in fear when their mission is not to teach the subject but to teach the student?

I believe education and prevention must begin with the principals. To identify appropriate boundaries, gray boundaries, and absolute no-no boundary breaches. To encourage dialogue so that when a teacher is working with a girl, of her own volition, at the direction of the principal, or at the request of the student herself, then there are clear parameters of her involvement.

There must be parental consent and involvement at the outset. And if a principal or teacher ascertains that it would not be in the girl’s best interests to involve the parent, if the student refuses parental involvement, I say that is your clearest indication that therapy, rather than mentoring, is mandated!

Most of all, as soon as a teacher begins to feel that vague, niggling feeling of, “Uh-oh, something doesn’t feel right,” I would encourage her to trust her intuition before her intuition is swallowed up in the quicksand of this convoluted relationship. When this niggling feeling starts worming its way in that is another sign that therapy is mandated.

The most potent aspect of why teachers fail to stop boundaries is the trapped feeling that is conveyed by these teenagers that only this teacher can save her. Believe it or not, in the helping profession, all of us are guilty of the Rescuer Fantasy. And it binds us tightly in its coils.

Sometimes a teacher will think that because the child refuses to go to therapy, shrieking, “You are the only one! I don’t need therapy, I need you!” that it is at least better she has her teacher than nobody.

NO. NO. NO.

Because a mentor cannot sustain this boundary-less relationship. Either because she is healthy, or because she is not. She will try to pretend, but her pretense will be detected by her student who will only dial up the intensity of her demands, of her boundary breaches. It’s a vicious dance that can only end in betrayal. Nobody can sustain this intense, boundary-less relationship. Especially not a healthy teacher. The noose will inevitably tighten too strongly and the teacher will need to cut it off, permanently, in order to breathe.

And that betrayal is unforgivable in the context of our roles as teachers, mentors, and therapists who are meant to be the protectors.

If you are the midst of this type of relationship at this time, I advise you to seek the advice of a professional. As the therapist, I probably would tell you how to extricate yourself from this relationship, despite the pain it will cause to the student. It is damaging for both of you, and this student needs to obtain professional help that will enable her to grow emotionally healthy in all relationships both in the present and future. If this is done while the teacher is still boundaried, or mostly so, this can be accomplished with minimal drama and hurt; rather than if the teacher is demoralized, frustrated, and angry—because then her actions will be perceived (rightly so) as another abandonment. But honestly? Whenever this type of situation comes into the therapy room, breaking off the relationship is usually the only way to salvage the mental health of both involved. Although the student will feel its repercussions even for years.

If this occurs in the therapeutic setting, it is even more damaging and unforgivable. Because a therapist needs to know this! I encourage such a client to first try to examine the behaviors I mentioned here to gain insight and to assume some responsibility, then explore this with her therapist, as difficult as it is to do so. Give the therapist this series of articles. If the therapist is unresponsive, let the referring source know what happened. The rav or agency like RELIEF who recommended him. Let her supervisor know, the agency in which this occurred, and if all else fails, even the licensing board under which the therapist is licensed.

What should a teacher or therapist do if this betrayal has already occurred, possibly many years ago?

You need to reach out and apologize. Maybe staple together a copy of this column with its prior ones. Find the words to express your caring, your understanding of what happened, and your deep regret at how you hurt your student. Ask her what she understood had occurred. Apologize again. Ask her what she needs for closure (not for a re-opening of the wound or relationship). Respect her response.

I will close with one more thing.

As a fledgling therapist, working in an agency, precisely this occurred with one of my clients. An adult. The hardest thing I ever did as a therapist was terminate with her. It was after trying everything conceivable to maintain appropriate boundaries without success, after consulting with three different supervisors, on the recommendation of a rav to whom I posed this shaila, in a legal and ethical question to my licensing board, and my own instinct that it was unhealthy for either of us to continue. I also allowed three months for termination following my decision.

I still feel guilty.

It happens. But when it happens we are responsible.

NOTE: This article was originally published in Binah Magazine

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