Dear Therapist:

I am a 24 year old married man. Since I remember I've been an extremely chilled and settled person. However, since the world turned upside down, I have been experiencing severe anxiety; I don't have an appetite, I am extremely weak and have many other symptoms of a person going through panic attacks. There is a lot for me to worry about unfortunately, primarily financially, but I have always dealt with stress well. What is happening to me? Is it possible for a healthy grounded person with an easygoing personality to have severe anxiety from one minute to the next? Is there help for this?

Response:

People have various differing ways of dealing with change and adversity. Though some of us may generally seem very calm, relaxed, and even lackadaisical, this doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t having trouble dealing emotionally with issues that arise.

Sense of control—both physical and emotional—can have a large effect on our ability to cope with major changes. Some people can be relaxed despite not feeling that they are in control, but the many of us only feel relaxed because we have ordered our lives in a way that allows us to feel a sense of control. This may include things like not taking big risks and having a secure source of income.

Part of the reason that many of us order our lives in this way is specifically to avoid feelings of anxiety that can be caused by uncertainty. So we avoid uncertainty to minimize feelings of anxiety…and the resultant low anxiety reinforces our inclination to avoid uncertainty. This often becomes a reciprocal cycle, which keeps us in our comfort zone.

In this scenario, our sense of control is based on this comfortable cycle, allowing us to feel a sense of control—and therefore relaxed and calm—while the cycle  remains intact. Once this cycle is jeopardized, our sense of control is threatened.

I believe that many people are experiencing feelings similar to yours. We are in the midst of a pandemic that has changed our conceptions of health, safety, and financial security. It has robbed many of us of our sense of control. For many of us, aside from the immediate, direct consequences, faith in our ability to control our lives and circumstances has been shaken. This can be highly disconcerting.

Additionally, many of us have to one extent or another abandoned our normal daily activities. Those of us who aren’t working may not be doing much of anything. Even if we are productive, there may be no sense of structure. Those of us who are working may have reduced hours without a real schedule. This can add to the loss of feelings of control.

One thing that we can do to regain a semblance of control is to regain active roles in our lives. This can refer to actions as well as thoughts. With regard to actions, we can create and maintain a regular daily schedule. This can consist of work, learning, studying, job search, and the like, as well as items like meal times, hobbies, and family time.

As far as feelings of control are concerned, we can focus on things that we can do currently to better understand the situation and the likely consequences—both short- and long-term. We can also begin to plan for likely future scenarios. Remember that lack of knowledge and uncertainty tend to breed anxiety. Typically, the more that we understand about our current and future situation the less anxious we will be. The additional step of actively taking control of our current schedule—and planning for the future—can help to further increase our sense of control, thereby reducing anxiety.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY   |   Far Rockaway, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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