Dear Therapist:

At about age eleven or twelve my girls drift away from their one good friend and begin to spend time with other girls. This pattern has repeated itself several times. I think that the original friends have felt somewhat abandoned by this. I don't want to control my daughters' friendships. However, I don't want anyone to be hurt and I would like to see that my daughters have the meedah of loyalty. If this is a normal pattern of adolescence, how do we ensure that the original friend is not hurt? Thanks for your help.

Response:

Early adolescence is typically the point at which children begin to develop a sense of identity.  This usually means that kids start identifying things in their lives to which they feel—or want to feel—connected.  This is commonly felt and expressed by identifying with one or more aspects of their lives.  Aspects can include academic achievement, capabilities, appearance, possessions, and other factors.  The strongest factor, however, is often social status.

Prior to adolescence, children usually don’t sharply distinguish one another by group or type.  This is the reason that they tend to gravitate to those children with whom they feel comfortable.  In adolescence, however, relationships often take on a new meaning—one that relates to their self-perception.  Friendships begin to speak to their sense of self, causing them to choose friends based on their burgeoning conceptualization of who they are—or who they want to be.

You express concern both for your daughters and for the friends that they leave behind.  Regardless of the reasons for your daughters’ friendship changes, any impact on the friends being left behind will likely be the same.  Our job in that regard may be to teach our children to treat others properly, and to be aware of the impact that we have on others.  Friendships often change, but awareness of others’ feeling can help us to act more thoughtfully.  Your daughters can be loyal without remaining best friends with just one person.  As children grow, they tend more toward groups as opposed to exclusive friendships.

Your concern about your daughters is a separate concern.  If they change friends based on their developing senses of identity, there are two basic possibilities.  They may be choosing friends based on their current self-perception.  This would mean that they identify as a particular type, and choose friends based on this.  Or they may have no clear sense of self, and attempt to build one through their choice of friends and their association with a particular type.  The former possibility is generally healthier than the latter, since their sense of self is largely based on themselves.  The latter possibility can lead to an overly strong need for specific relationships or types of relationships.

Another possible reason for your daughters’ tendency to change their friendships is simply the recognition that they in fact have more in common with their new friends than with their old ones.  As children grow into adolescents, they begin to recognize intrinsic differences in others.  This can lead them to gravitate toward those who have similar traits.  This is the probably the healthiest reason for relationship changes.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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