Dear Therapist:

I am writing regarding my 19-year-old daughter. She is doing well baruch Hashem but has always been a different personality than the rest of our family. She has also landed on a derech in life that, while she is living as a frum yid, is different than the way she was brought up. Our relationship has had its up and downs over the years but now I would say it is kind of neutral. Although we are accepting of her, a friend made a comment that maybe we should be doing more to help her feel accepted. That sounded like a good point, but we are different. We have different interests and personalities. Do you have any advice for us?

Response:

You seem to be grappling with something that is fairly common in two respects. You are describing a relationship that seems at least somewhat shaped by both personality and religiosity. You are also addressing generational cultural differences. As religious Jews, we are part of both a religion and a culture. These often meld together, but they are two distinct aspects of Orthodox Judaism. Although to an outsider your differences may seem minuscule or non-existent, to you they may feel insurmountable.

Your choice of words is both common and telling. You describe your daughter as having “always been” a different personality. In this statement, there is an inherent implication that your daughter is different—in terms of who she is, not just what she does. This is further emphasized by your statement that you are accepting of “her” (not just her actions).

Our emotional reactions to others' choices and actions can be revealing. We can feel forced to confront who we are. How do you define yourself? Is your self-definition largely based on your particular brand of religiosity? Is it partially based on your children’s actions? Or on what others think of you and your family? If your feelings toward yourself are tied to your daughter’s actions, her adoption of a different lifestyle may be challenging your own sense of self. This can be disconcerting, leading you to “protect” yourself by distancing emotionally and otherwise.

Does this happen with others in your life? Do you feel uncomfortable around people with differing religious practices? Or are these feelings specific to your daughter? While your question seems logistical, your emotional needs and insecurities may be a much larger barrier than the actual concrete differences between you and your daughter (like shared interests).

In direct response to your question, acceptance is, of course, important. However, you seem to recognize that something more may be needed. The very concept of acceptance implies that there is something that needs to be consciously accepted. “We accept you despite…”

Perhaps what you’re looking to express to your daughter is appreciation rather than acceptance. Rather than giving her the sense that you are reluctantly accepting her choices, you may want to move toward appreciating her. Notice the difference: one option refers to “her choices” and the other to “her.” Remember, just as you self-define (and base your positive feelings toward yourself) partially based on your religiosity and others’ judgments, your daughter does the same. (We all do, to one degree or another.)

Being accepted rather than appreciated can be hurtful. It can make someone feel poorly about themselves. This, in turn, may cause some individuals to further entrench themselves in externalized sources of self-worth, sometimes in problematic ways.

If you can be honest with yourself about what is keeping you from fully appreciating your daughter, you will likely find it progressively easier to naturally connect with her, rather than simply playing the part.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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