Dear Therapist:

I have many people in my life whom I feel have an inferiority complex and are in constant need of compliments and appreciation. Yet as much as I try I can't seem to fill their needs and they always feel I am under-appreciating their work. If they send me a cake for Shabbos I need to thank before, after, and once again. How do I feed their never satiated need for praise and compliments? It’s also very difficult for me to deal with their neediness. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated.

Response:

You’re not asking for the reasons behind others’ neediness and inferiority complexes.  This is likely because you recognize that there is nothing that you can do to change their emotional needs. 

Low self-esteem is generally the root cause of feelings of inferiority and the need for constant external validation.  Since there is little that you can do to help others build their intrinsically-based sense of self, you seem to focus on building their immediate sense of self—which is based on their perception of their value in each particular situation.  There are two clear effects of this.  One concerns your relationship with each person, and the other relates to how people continually learn to view themselves.

As discussed, when someone has no intrinsically-based sense of self, they base their “self-esteem” on external factors.  When they in addition have no well-defined externally-based sense of self, they often have a constant need for feedback in order for them to feel worthwhile.  If people in your life tend to look to you for this kind of feedback, this may mean that they’ve learned that you will feed their emotional needs.  Unfortunately, your positive feedback only satisfies their surface needs in the short term and with reference to the specific circumstance.  This will often lead to a vicious cycle, whereby they “build a resistance” to your positive remarks, causing them to require more and better reinforcement of their tenuous sense of self.

Although you refer to many people, your relationship with each one is different.  If you focus on each individual person and relationship separately, you might begin to identify needs and patterns that are specific to each.  One person might require validation in a particular area.  If this is validated, he might not need to be praised as often or in other areas.  Another person might need to feel that you genuinely like him, but doesn’t consciously recognize this (or is embarrassed about this need), therefore looking for less obvious forms of proof of your feelings for him.

If you can identify patterns and needs, you may find that you can respond more appropriately.  This can help to stop the vicious cycle, changing your relationships to more healthy ones.  

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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