Dear Therapist:

My brother has never really been that socially savvy. He has no official diagnosis as far as I know of but he has struggled in the past socially a bit. He recently got engaged and I am a bit nervous about how he will do in marriage. What would be the best way to prevent any issues and deal with them before they become a real problem? Is there any type of premarriage counseling or guidance that you recommend? Even a book that you think is most helpful? Would you suggest that he go to see someone through the beginning of the marriage to make sure there are no issues? Thank you for your advice. 

Response:

My instinctive response is that your brother is engaged to someone whom he has ostensibly dated for some time. There was no mention of any concerns being raised by either of them. From your description, any social issues are seemingly minimal. It doesn’t appear that there should be any reason for concern unless this has been communicated to you by one of the two people involved. 

I wonder what it is that makes you feel that there are specific issues that need prevention. In all relationships there will be concerns, differences, and likely some struggles. Does this mean that all couples who are contemplating marriage should have a few pre-marital sessions? One could argue that this would be helpful, that it is important, or that it is essential. However, you are not advocating therapy for all engaged couples; you are concerned specifically for your brother’s relationship.

One of the reasons that some couples do not engage in pre-marital therapy is the sense that if they do, they are admitting that something is wrong. Sometimes, people are loathe to do this for fear of feeling like a failure. This is something that a more accepted, universalized pre-marriage counseling policy can address.

Going to therapy, in general, can be very helpful for people who have issues that they have trouble addressing—or even clearly identifying—on their own. However, there can be downsides to therapy as well. A sense of failure and of something being wrong can be reinforced by the idea that someone “needs” therapy. In your brother’s case, if neither he nor his fiancé believe that there is a problem, inducing them to seek therapy might give them the sense that there is a problem (or at least that someone else believes that there is one).

Another potential concern is the message that people require assistance in order to deal with even the simplest issues. Marriage is essentially about compatibility. We all have our issues, and no two people are exactly alike. Thus, there will be differences of opinion and “problems.” Some of these will rise to the level where professional help is necessary. However, in healthy relationships, these are openly discussed and resolved. Even if your brother has some idiosyncrasies, should the first line of defense be therapeutic intervention?

I don’t know your brother or his fiancé. They may both be very open to the idea of pre-marital counseling. They may both consider this to be something that is a good idea without having the sense that it is necessary for general conflict resolution. They might readily agree to it, work through feelings that would otherwise be unaddressed, and have a wonderful life together. Alternately, they might do exactly the same things on their own.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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