Dear Therapist:

My 14-year-old daughter is a kind soul. She is always nice to everyone and has many friends. She approached my husband and me recently and said she realizes that there is a friend of hers who is not a good influence on her and she doesn't think she should be spending time with her. I think her concerns are valid. She asked us for guidance about how to go about distancing herself from the relationship. Our daughter is not really the toughest kid and I am hoping you can give us some advice on how to help her with this. 

Response:

Your question has a few components. I think that identifying and exploring each separately will help your daughter to arrive at a decision.

One component relates to the type of relationship that your daughter has with her friend. Is their relationship similar to that which each of them has with other friends, or is their relationship unique in some way? If their relationship is longstanding and close, your daughter’s approach will likely be different than otherwise. If they are open and honest with one another (and respond maturely to criticism), your daughter can likely be more direct with her.

What type of personality does your daughter’s friend have? Is she friendly with many people or does she have problems connecting socially? Is she possessive or vindictive? Is she easygoing? Does she tend to react emotionally? Does she hold grudges? Is she likely to be deeply hurt. If so, how might she respond?

What is the nature of the negative influence to which your daughter is referring? Is it a general philosophy that affects many areas of her friend’s life, or are there particular actions that concern your daughter? How recently did this begin?

These are just a few of the many questions that your daughter (perhaps with your help) can ask herself. When we approach an issue without delineating its various aspects, it can be overwhelming and difficult to properly grasp. Once the pertinent components are considered and a holistic understanding of the situation is reached, the solution often becomes more apparent.

Of course, there are a number of possible approaches. For instance, your daughter could gradually spend less time with her friend, allowing the relationship to cool in a seemingly organic way. She could have a frank discussion with her friend about the things that concern her. She could explain that she is moving in a different direction, and doesn’t want to be swayed by people who are not on the same page. She might simply express her wish to have more and varied types of friendships.

There are many ways that your daughter could theoretically approach this situation. You may dismiss some of these out of hand because you recognize that they are not appropriate. However, you will recognize that they might be appropriate in a different set of circumstances. Thus, the question becomes why they are not appropriate in this circumstance—and what is. Any approach would all depend on your daughter’s understanding of the situation from a comprehensive perspective that takes numerous factors into account.

You mentioned the fact that your daughter is “not really the toughest kid.” I’m not sure what you mean by this, but attaining a clear, multifaceted understanding of the situation can help her to be more assertive while feeling that she took the proper approach.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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