Dear Therapist:

My 10-year-old son is smart and personable. He does great in school both academically and socially and is an all-around great kid. He is emotionally pretty mature for his age and can be pretty independent and self-reliant.  He is, however, often very inflexible. He has a few foods that he likes and that's it. A few shirts and that's it. Same with general schedule and routine (i.e. he has a rough time moving out of his room for guests). Any deviation from those things that he likes or is used to and he gets pretty upset. This can cause a bit of stress at home. My biggest concern is: Are these issues age-appropriate and something he will outgrow or something we really need to work on with him? How can we help teach him flexibility? Or perhaps we should be more accommodating? 

Response:

Many of the things to which you refer are pretty common in young children. In a child’s world, there is not much control that they can exert. This often leads them to focus on the things that they can control. To an adult, this can seem obsessive but to a child it may simply be a way of coping with a chaotic world. 

The behaviors that you describe, in and of themselves, don’t seem overly troubling for a ten-year-old. However, there are points at which there may be cause for concern. If your son has always been particular but has become more inflexible as time has passed, this may point to obsessive tendencies. Likewise, if his rigidity spreads to other areas (without reduction in the current ones, indicating a transfer), I would be concerned. Regardless of whether obsessive thoughts are causing your son’s actions or whether continuation and increase in the actions may lead to obsessive coping skills, there would then be cause for concern. 

If your son’s inflexibility had a sudden onset, this may be due to an underlying issue. Such an issue can be physical in nature (like symptoms of PANDAS) or indicative of an emotional need. Either way, if your son’s behavior worsens or spreads to other areas, he should be seen by a professional. 

You mention that your son’s behaviors cause stress at home. Is this due to logistical issues, like the need to prepare certain foods, or to emotional angst—concern for your son? Likely, it’s a combination of the two. Hopefully, as time goes on, your son will become less rigid. If your son doesn’t focus on his behaviors (but views them simply as thing that he doesn’t like), it is likely a good idea not to focus on his behaviors so as not to give them a power that they may not yet have.                                                                                           

Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY   |   Far Rockaway, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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