Dear Therapist:

Recently there have been few shocking tragedies in my area. Each one has been very sudden, unexpected, and jarring in its own way. This is on top of the overall tzaros that have been happening in Eretz Yisroel since Succos. I find that for the last few weeks I am constantly on edge. Of course, I have been taking hisorerus from rabbonim and I try to be mechazek myself as much as possible. I find that I have become very concerned about my children. They find out about every tragedy with many details, some accurate and some that I need to clarify for them. Considering how difficult this has been for me, I can only imagine how confusing and scary it must be for kids. How do you suggest protecting my children from the constant frightening news that has been around them? 

Response:

Your question raises a few points. You are ostensibly concerned about your children’s reactions to tragedy. However, you began with your own emotional reaction.

With regard to both your children and you, perhaps you are referring to anxiety. For the sake of simplicity, I will define anxiety as fear or concern that is significantly greater that what one would expect in a given situation. A particular reaction might be considered anxious in one circumstance but not in another. The question is whether we should protect our children from normal, uncomfortable (or even painful) reactions, or if we should even protect them from anxiety.

The argument can be made both ways. Generally speaking, we don’t want our children to feel uncomfortable or unhappy. But, even if we could, should we protect them from all negative emotions? Would this truly help them in the long run?

We know that if someone learns to be anxious in childhood, this can lead to anxiety in adulthood. Traumatic experiences can be triggered later in life, causing anxiety that is often not properly understood or resolved. However, being shielded from hurtful experiences can prevent children from developing strategies and thought processes that help them to deal with them. If these are not properly developed, this can lead to issues in adulthood.

Sometimes traumatic experiences are combined in children’s minds with “protection.” Often, when children are shielded from experiencing traumatic events, they are prevented from fully understanding the event, its consequences, and its possible effect on them. When this occurs, it can be difficult for them to process their feelings. At times, they may shrug it off, recognizing that it doesn’t pertain to them. At other times, they might become overly anxious since their verbal and emotional outlets are limited.

Often, anxiety persists and intensifies when there is the sense that there is something to be afraid of but we don’t know exactly what it is. If something occurs and a child kind of sort of knows about it, this can cause more fear and anxiety than if they have a better idea of the extent of the event.

Of course, as parents we need to be sensitive to the needs and fears of each individual child with respect to age, maturity, and other personal and situational factors. With a mature 15-year-old, we might discuss at length a tragic event that they will likely hear about. With a younger child who is unlikely to obtain information from other sources, we might downplay the event.

It is important for children to understand that they are safe, and that their parents are there to protect them. Sometimes we assume that children think like adults. We project our own fears and insecurities onto them. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our children often take their cues from us. If they sense that we are afraid for them, this can cause them to be afraid. If they see that we are handling a situation in a non-anxious way, they will be more likely to react in kind.

This is in addition to children generally learning from their parents what to be afraid of. If every time a parent encounters a dog they startle, children will learn to be afraid of dogs. If parents are clearly upset about events that occur in the community, this can send a message to children that this is something that they should be afraid of.

I certainly understand your concerns, both for yourself and for your children. I would caution you, however, to separate the two while understanding the impact of your emotional process on your children. Whatever your decision is for each child, be sure to convey an aura of calm and a sense of safety.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro College

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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