Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses a scenario where a man tries to forestall and annul vows that his wife might make while he is away. In one iteration, the Gemara has a textual problem in the teaching that involves appointing an agent to make the annulment. The Gemara wonders, why appoint an agent? Why not merely declare in advance that all vows are annulled? The Gemara answers that he is afraid that he will become distracted on the day of his departure and forget to state the annulment.

Tosafos asks, so why not annul the vows several days in advance, before he becomes too engrossed in preparing and planning for his trip? Tosafos’ answer is, if that is done in advance, it will lead to quarrels. Leket Kotzrim explains that the person’s wife is likely to feel that her words are being dismissed (and not taken seriously.) Clearly, making oaths is a passive aggressive maneuver of a frustrated person. Despite it not being a recommended form of communication, it is counterproductive to dismiss it.

Emotional validation, as it is called, is a significant contributor to regulation of emotions. Validation does not mean agreeing with the person, nor does it mean humoring them. It involves being open to considering that the feelings are understandable. It is usually achieved by suspending judgments and critical analysis and instead simply imaging and empathizing what makes the other person feel or behave in a certain manner. It is about seeing the situation from their perspective, not about being right or wrong. Often faulty logic and behavior is quite logical, if certain assumptions or subjective circumstances exist. As an extreme example, if you believe your neighbor is a CIA agent, you might feel uneasy and interpret many otherwise innocuous behaviors as signs that you are being surveilled. Paranoid or not, once that belief is in place, everything else follows logically, so to speak. If you doubt that a person loves you or is loyal, you might understandably react with more panic and suspicion to otherwise benign activities or misunderstandings. 

People get stuck on the idea of validation, arguing it doesn’t make sense or it’s unnecessary. This is foolish. It is like arguing that hugging and holding a crying child is illogical. It is not logical nor illogical, it just is how humans operate. It is like declaring that sleep is illogical so I won’t bother. Good luck trying that! So too, validation is like a hug for emotions. It somehow or another offers a kind of holding sensation that helps a person regulate feelings and calm down. It is important to work with what it means to be human. Instead of fighting against it, whether it can be understood logically, or not.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

Do you like what you see? Please subscribe and also forward any articles you enjoy to your friends, (enemies too, why not?)