Our Gemara on Amud Aleph remarks about the benefit of good friends and the danger of friends of a lower caliber. Good friends will give you the right advice and guide you, such as Na’aman Who is able to take advice from his peers. However bad friends, such as Rechavam’s friends, give poor advice.

Rechavam’s friends advised him to take a harsh stand as a new king, demanding even more taxes which led to a rebellion (see Melachim I:12:6-19). However, Na’aman took advice from peers, and even people far beneath him in status, who gave him excellent advice. Ben Yehoyada noticed that in the case of Na’aman, his friends advised humility and he was wise enough to accept their counsel. On the other hand, Rechavam’s Friends advised an arrogant position and he bought into it leading to his downfall.

The relationship researcher and guru, John Gottman, speaks often of the importance of the spouse having a demeanor that is open to influence. In particular, Gottman and his team discovered that men accepting influence from women was predictive of happy and stable marriages  (The Empirical Basis of Gottman Couples Therapy.  2013 by Dr. John M. Gottman, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.)    Influencibility in this sense is defined as a stance whereby the husband accepts his wife’s concerns and considers them with an open mind, and does not respond with stonewalling, contempt and belligerence.  It is not that the husband HAS to agree with his wife, it is that he has an open minded attitude, and at times will change his mind or behavior based on her feedback.

A wonderful example of this is found in the story of Na’aman (Melachim II, chapter 5.)  Na’aman, was a high ranking general in the Aramite army, and was smitten with Tzoraas (a terrible skin disease, possibly Leprosy).  Na’man was extremely successful in his military campaigns, and captured Jews as well.  One such young captive, a Jewish maiden, was given to Na’man’s wife as a servant.  This young girl suggested that Elisha the prophet would be able to miraculously heal Na’aman.  Na’aman’s wife took this information to her husband, who agreed to use his political power through the Aramite king to demand of the Jewish king to send over Elisha to provide this service. Elisha met with Na’aman and prescribed that he bathe in the Jordan River seven times. Na’aman’s initial reaction was scoffing, “Is there a shortage of beautiful rivers in Damascus?”, finding it hard to believe that Elisha’s suggestion was genuine. Subsequently, Na’aman’s servants mustered the temerity to suggest that he consider following Elisha’s prescription, regardless of his reservations: “After all”, they said, “had Elisha required some onerous activity, would you not have tried it? So why not try something simple?” In the end, Na’aman relented, and was miraculously healed, forever declaring his sole allegiance to the Jewish God.

This story is about the powers and benefits of influencibility on many levels. From the very beginning, Na’aman’s wife took the advice of a young captive slave girl seriously. Then Na’aman took his wife's suggestion seriously, and ultimately accepted feedback and input from his servants.

Many people feel as if they are invincible generals, and find it difficult to humble themselves and take advice from others. Yet Na’aman, a real general who was nearly invincible, DID humble himself and allowed himself to be influenced by people far subordinate to him. He, like every king of his own castle, will benefit greatly from opening up to influencibility.

Reishis Chokhma (Shaar Hakedusha 6) remarks that even though seclusion is important for spiritual development and introspection, one must still have a close friend to confide in. This is presumably because without that kind of feedback, a person can get lost in their own echo chambers.

Our family members and lovers are sometimes the people who give us the most grief, but in truth they give us the most opportunity. They know us, warts and all. Even if, at times, their criticism is less than gentle, there is a good chance that many aspects of their complaints are worth listening to.

Tiferes Yisrael on Avos (4:6) discusses being able to learn from everybody. He mentions, even in matters that are based on tradition, there still are aspects that require logic and reasoning. Therefore, someone who is relatively unintelligent might see something you miss, and he must be taken into consideration.

Being influenceable and open to others is a key trait for marital and family harmony as well as personal growth. Being influenceable is not about giving in to others or thinking other people’s opinions are more important than yours. Rather, it’s simply about being genuinely open and warmly inviting other people’s opinions and perspectives.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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